Saturday, May 19, 2012

Peter Pan is an asshole and Tinkerbelle is ghetto bitch. A post to ruin your childhood PART 1 by Chris Williams

That’s right, I said it and it’s true. I‘ll even prove it to you using J.M. Barrie’s own written words. We will start with the book Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens Then move on to Peter and Wendy. We will finish with Peter Pan in Scarlet (the official sequal to Peter Pan and Wendy written by Geraldine McCaughrean) which in my opinion is a pretty damn good sequel

Peter Pans started out as all people do, a baby. In the end he winds up a child that looks the age of ten, has all his “first teeth”, has his first laugh which I’m assuming id the laugh of an infant and is at least one hundred and fifty years old. Pause a second and picture that in your head. That is what we are dealing with. Now that you have that in your brain we can really begin. Oh I forgot to mention that He “escapes from being human.” Which means we aren’t even dealing with a human asshole.

Peter is a kid who “escapes” from home at the ripe old age of seven days old. It seems that all humans were once birds and when they are born they have “a youthful desire to return to the tree tops” which is also why he can fly. He then flies over to Kensington Gardens where he is told by the birds that he is “Betwixt-and-Between.” Basically a half bird half human mutant. Having enough of the Gardens and with a bit of help from some fairies, Peter decides  to go back home to his mother. Once at home he decides that he’d like to spend more time in the Gardens. He goes to and fro from the Gardens and home watching his obviously depressed mother sleep. On his final journey home in which he means to remain there he finds the window closed and barred and his mother once again sleeping. But this time with another child in her arms. Thus begins Peter the asshole.

Now onto Peter and Wendy.

Ok. We’ve almost all seen the classic Disney cartoon Peter Pan. It’s cute it’s funny and for the boys it has pirates. Most of all It has peter as the hero. Well I’m here to tell you the real story on Peter. Peter the asshole.

After Wendy sews Peters shadow on (which was folded up in a drawer, not dancing around) Peter says this exactly. He thought he had attached the shadow himself. "How clever I am!" he crowed rapturously, "oh, the cleverness of me!" Obviously Peter is either full of himself or has A.D.H.D and just can’t remember what the fuck just happened. When we first meet Tinkerbelle we see a hint of how much of a bitch she can be right off the bat. He had to translate. "She is not very polite. She says you are a great [huge] ugly girl, and that she is my fairy." Through this whole chapter you’ll see that all Wendy wants is to tell Peter stories and be motherly to him. Then he mentions the “other boys” It’s his way of talking her into the dirty van with “free candy” spray painted on the sides. Here’s the evidence.

"And, Wendy, there are mermaids."
"Mermaids! With tails?"
"Such long tails."
"Oh," cried Wendy, "to see a mermaid!"
He had become frightfully cunning. "Wendy," he said, "how we should all respect you."
She was wriggling her body in distress. It was quite as if she were trying to remain on the nursery floor.
But he had no pity for her.
"Wendy," he said, the sly one, "you could tuck us in at night."
"None of us has ever been tucked in at night."
"Oo," and her arms went out to him.
"And you could darn our clothes, and make pockets for us. None of us has any pockets." How could she resist.

This is where they all fly away with Peter at the lead leaving behind a saddened Mr. and Mrs. Darling.

Next up we see Peter’s total disregard for others safety. As Peter, Wendy and the boys flew off to Neverland we read these lines.

Certainly they did not pretend to be sleepy, they were sleepy; and that was a danger, for the moment they popped off, down they fell. The awful thing was that Peter thought this funny. "There he goes again!" he would cry gleefully, as Michael suddenly dropped like a stone.
Indeed, sometimes when he returned he did not remember them, at least not well. Wendy was sure of it. She saw recognition come into his eyes as he was about to pass them the time of day and go on; once even she had to call him by name.

Now we get to Neverland. This is where Peter and Tink really show themselves. First, a bit of Tink’s bad side.

She did not yet know that Tink hated her with the fierce hatred of a very woman. And so, bewildered, and now staggering in her flight, she followed Tink to her doom.
Tink's reply rang out: "Peter wants you to shoot the Wendy."
It was not in their nature to question when Peter ordered. "Let us do what Peter wishes!"
cried the simple boys. "Quick, bows and arrows!"
All but Tootles popped down their trees. He had a bow and arrow with him, and Tink noted it, and rubbed her little hands.
"Quick, Tootles, quick," she screamed. "Peter will be so pleased."
Tootles excitedly fitted the arrow to his bow. "Out of the way, Tink," he shouted, and then he fired, and Wendy fluttered to the ground with an arrow in her breast.

That’s right, Tink had Wendy murdered.. Though  Wendy didn’t die. She was saved by the “kiss” (a button) that Peter gave her. So Tootles realizes his mistake and they decide to hide the body. Wendy’s out cold for a while. Peter finally lands and Tootles tells him what happened. What’s the first think Peter thinks to do? Why kill Tootles of course. Here’s the proof.

"Oh, dastard hand," Peter said, and he raised the arrow to use it as a dagger.
Tootles did not flinch. He bared his breast. "Strike, Peter," he said firmly, "strike true." Twice did Peter raise the arrow, and twice did his hand fall. "I cannot strike," he said with awe, "there is something stays my hand."
All looked at him in wonder, save Nibs, who fortunately looked at Wendy.
"It is she," he cried, "the Wendy lady, see, her arm!"

Yes. The only thing that saved Tootles was Wendy not actually dying. After that we soon get a hint that Wendy’s brothers kind of don’t want to be there any more. "John, John," Michael would cry, "wake up! Where is Nana, John, and mother?" They build a house around Wendy to recover in. We are now getting to the disturbing part. These kids don’t really eat. Sure, we all know that Pan fed them by imagining up food for them but the problem is this line right here. The difference between him and the other boys at such a time was that they knew it was make-believe, while to him make-believe and true were exactly the same thing. This sometimes troubled them, as when they had to make-believe that they had had their dinners. Basiclly the lost boys either didn’t eat or ate out of view of Peter because if they didn’t make-believe, this happened. If they broke down in their make-believe he rapped them on the knuckles. And the proof they broke down a lot? right here. "Yes, my little man," Slightly anxiously replied, who had chapped knuckles. Ya Peter was a bastard.

Now I’ve noticed this post has gone on too long so I'll just make it a two-parter. But let me know what you guys think below. See you guys in a bit. I promise part two will be much shorter.



  1. Good post. I never knew the original books were so dark and that the characters were so evil. I guess Disney lightened them up for kids. (Who would ever think that Hollywood would do something like that?)

  2. You know who else is a jerk in the source material? Pinocchio. For reals, he's a little prick.

  3. I was never a big Pan-fan, even the Disney version; but Peter David's TIGERHEART reimaginination of the tale is a thing of wonder.

  4. Beauty and the beast is about beastiality,
    Jimminy cricket looks like a talking green worm/exotic cockroach/booger...he never looked like a cricket. hes annoying know it all. I thought Pleasure Island was Las Vegas, ur right pinnocchio could be a prick but I mean maybe just stupid, cuz he had a wooden head. the mermaids were bitches too, trying to drown Wendy and they hung around topless. Lots of sex in Disney. Peter pan had Tinkerbell, Wendy, naked mermaids, Tiger Lilly. Everyone fighting for him...Wendy should have beaten the crap out of him cuz he steals her daughter after he lies to her and comes back decades later. That is one fucked up story . PS I think hes an elf. He dresses like the jolly green giant. Ho ho ho.

  5. Actually...Peter pan was probably gay, just sayin. He never did want Wendy or anybody else to be his girlfriend just pretended to like them and that old pirate hook was obsessed. Chasing Peter everywhere...probably wanted to bonk his boy @$$ real badly. And in the play Peter is always a girl so Wendy is kind of a lesbian sometimes.

    1. Did you miss the part where Peter's a little kid?